This was written June of 2008...I had to muster enough courage before finally posting this...I feel guilty as hell...but...I have to be human...at least in words if not in acknowledging my emotions...
It is one of those days when my thoughts are in disarray. The family load feels a little heavier than it usually does...work is not satisfying anymore...no longer fun. I know I should not feel this way about my family...it's just that, I have been working too hard for too long, and I still don't feel satisfied and content. I still sense this emptiness burning inside me, wailing to be filled. Personally, I have fought a hard battle getting to where I am now...yet...it's still not enough. I get frustrated when reality hits me that my sisters are not as persistent as I am...or that my brothers have no inkling how to move their butts so as not to go hungry...not to mention my father who has no idea what I do so I could send a little money home...trying to wear the shoes he should be wearing. My job has become a burden instead of a challenge. I used to say that though not getting the rewards I should be getting in the kind of job I have, I am not complaining. Lately, I do nothing but that: complain. I feel I could no longer give what the company asks of me, that I am no longer an asset but rather a liability. I so want out. From everything. I don't know if I just need a break or if the hardship I had had to go through finally succeeded in stealing my will and instinct to survive...and yes, even my crazy dream of walking barefoot in foreign lands...
I should be thankful I am not jobless...that I could still drink my starbucks coffee...while others go hungry or die from it...
I should be grateful for my stars I have little money to send home...that my family is blessed not to beg for it...
I should be glad I have my little notebook to write with...others has no money to buy a pencil...worse, yet, others do not know how to write...
I should welcome the hardships life throws at me...it means I'm alive...
I should be happy to wake up...it means I would have the chance to sleep again...
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And I decided to live my life...only in my journey can I find answers...only in truth can I freely whine...and as the saying goes..."what does not kill us make us stronger"...
Thursday, January 1, 2009
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